Expert Thoughts on Over 40s Dating
Mature Dating Interview with Dating Experts
Online dating for the over 40s is seeing amazing growth, but these aren't your swipe in any direction daters, these are singles who have more often than not done the "dating-thing" once or twice before and now want to enjoy something a little more grown up. We've asked a number of dating experts from Relationship Consultants, Matchmakers, Authors and a Spiritual Empath to tell us what they think of the mature dating scene and to share some do's and don'ts
What are the differences between under 40s online dating and over 40s online dating?
Dave Popple, Consulting / Business Psychologist:The primary differences are:
1. Over 40 is likely to be more open to new sexual experiences and less insecure about their sexual performance (As long as everything still works as it should)
2. More people over 40 do not see marriage as the end goal of dating. More and more would be happy to never marry again.
Lucia, Dating / Relationship Expert:Over 40s are more likely to want a serious relationship or marriage. They play less games than their younger counterparts, and are more honest and less superficial. They're looking for loyalty and respect, instead of just a pretty face.
Karenna Alexander, Certified Dating Coach and Matchmaker:The over 40 daters tend to be more fearful, apprehensive and burnt out. Many have had at least one really bad relationship and they are afraid to step out again. In some cases, people over 40 are more wild than their younger counterparts. They may have been in a marriage for a long time and now that they are single, they don't know what to do, so they are out of control, sometimes in a damaging way.
Debbi Carberry, Relationship Coach :Over 40's have the additional issues of life transitions. Times when we are more reflective about where we are in life and where we are headed.
Over 40's also have additional issues to overcome with dating - like blended families, step families, financial obligations outside of their current relationship and complex relationships with past partners if they are parents.
How long do you think it typically takes singles over 40 to find a relationship using online dating, and why?
Lucia, Dating / Relationship Expert:There is no typical length of time it will take to find a relationship. Some people will find someone within weeks, while for others it may take months.
Melanie Mills, Relationship Expert:For some people it doesn't take long and for others it feels like a lifetime. I like to remind my clients that it only takes one, but that one has to be ready. When both people are ready and compatible, then it usually doesn’t take long.
Karenna Alexander, Certified Dating Coach and Matchmaker:It varies. Some find it in a few months. Others have to stay online for years.
Midori Verity, Relationship Coach:Those over 40 probably take a bit longer to find what they are looking for because they are clearer on what they want and can sniff out the wrong people quicker.
Do you think there are different success rates for men and women over 40s when online dating? If yes, why?
Karenna Alexander, Certified Dating Coach and Matchmaker:I think women get more online responses. However, I think men seem to be luckier at finding a serious woman online. That has been my experience.
Treva Brandon Scharf, Writer, Dating Expert:Men and women want the same things: love, companionship, intimacy. But women are much more emotional about it. They bond deeper and connect faster than men. Men are more successful dating online only because they're able to detach and move on to the next one.
Shlomo Slatkin, Marriage Counselor/ Psychotherapist:Women are probably more successful as they are more likely to want a committed relationship. They are more willing to be flexible if they can fiind the right guy.
What's your no.1 tip for singles over 40 starting online dating?
Karenna Alexander, Certified Dating Coach and Matchmaker:You need a few really attractive photos! Hands down this is the most important tip. They should be as attractive as possible without being dishonest.
Rhoberta Shaler, Relationship Consultant, Speaker and Author:There's no rush, so savor, listen, ask, and learn.
Venessa Perry, Relationship Coach:Relax and Enjoy the process. It may take a little while to meet the right person so patience is important.
Renée Suzanne, Founder - Renée Suzanne Coaching:Just do it! Seek out resources to help you post the best, most compelling profile possible, but above all, just start dating online. It’s your single best shot at finding the relationship you want.
What is the number one mistake people over 40 make when online dating, and why?
Tracee Dunblazier, Spiritual Empath:Being shy. You've got to be in it to win it. Recognize that online dating is like a part to full- time job and treating it as such. Learning to go to the interviews and have as much fun being your authentic self as humanly possible. Of course, be open-hearted and kind, but be who you are. That energy is the magnate that attracts similar joy to you. And, the more you make it a daily ritual by taking time to become clear on exactly what you're looking for, and reaching out to those you are attracted to or interested in. You're sure to find success.
Karenna Alexander, Certified Dating Coach and Matchmaker:The biggest mistake is that they don't get online!!. Or they hem and haw for years afraid to make the plunge. They waste a lot of valuable years being afraid to get online.
Treva Brandon Scharf, Writer, Dating Expert:The number one mistake people over 40 make when online dating is LIE. Never lie about your age, weight, height, income, etc., it will come back to bite you in the ass.
Renée Suzanne, Founder - Renée Suzanne Coaching:Posting a sub-par profile and expecting a great result. You won’t get great results with no effort. It’s like anything else; looking for a job, staying in shape, taking care of your home, no effort, no reward. Love doesn’t “just happen”. Not many things in life worth having do. Make peace with this and put in some effort. It will be worth the investment.
What's THE best question for singles over 40 to ask someone when messaging them for the first time online?
Lucia, Dating / Relationship Expert:Ask a question about something in their profile. It shows that you actually took the time to read it. When you show genuine interest in someone, it's easier for them to be interested in you.
Karenna Alexander, Certified Dating Coach and Matchmaker:Don't get too deep. The deeper you get initially, the creepier you come across. It's better to ask a general question about someone's profile and point out how you both have something in common. Don't delve into anyone's personal affairs with questions like: "I'm looking for a woman who doesn't play games. Is that you?"
Treva Brandon Scharf, Writer, Dating Expert:The best question to ask someone over 40 when messaging them for the first time? "Tell me something about you that's not on your dating profile."
What is your most favourite over 40 online dating success story?
Kemi Sogunle, Author, Certified Professional Coach and International Speaker:Seeing two people who live long distance meet online, set up travel schedules for meet up, discover their compatibility and eventually get married.
Karenna Alexander, Certified Dating Coach and Matchmaker:I just coached someone who had to give an ultimatum to a guy. He really loved her but was afraid to commit because his first marriage did not go so well. So she told him she could not wait any longer and told him she thought they should go their separate ways because they are looking for different things. He put a ring on it very very quickly after that.
Venessa Perry, Relationship Coach:I know a women who met her second husband online at 41 and after trying to conceive for many years they have a set of triplets that are almost 1 years old. She's 47 and her husband is 43.
Phillip Petree, Author:I recently watched an 84 year old man and a 79 year old women move in together. He is twice widowed and she was widowed in 2007.